Anal Sex : How To Make Anal Good For Her

distressed couple in bed

More and more ladies are putting a welcome mat by the back door: 36 percent of women and 42 percent of men have tried anal sex, according to a new report from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.

Butt play has been around since the dawn of time, but it’s become more common over the last 20 or 30 years as the stigma has disappeared, says Kimberly McBride, Ph.D., a sex researcher at the University of Toledo.

Now that Maya Rudolph has screamed about anal bleaching on Bridesmaids and thousands of free anal clips are available on PornHub, more people are interested in testing the waters, she says.

Still, not everyone who tries it makes it a regular part of their sex lives. Only 8 percent of women have had anal in the last month, according to a study from Indiana University.

“A lot of women say that it’s a special occasion thing,” McBride says. “They’ll only do it on his birthday or Valentine’s Day.”

But here’s a little secret: It doesn’t have to be a favor on her part.

“The anus is rich in nerve endings,” says McBride. “If you do it right, it can be a really pleasurable experience for her.”

Follow these steps, and she may be the one to ask for it next time.

1. Wait for the green light

This may seem painfully obvious, but McBride says she constantly hears from women who say their guys just ram it in, or claim that “it slipped.” If she’s not relaxed and ready (see Step 2), it’ll just be painful for her.

Ask her if she’s up for trying anal—and hash out any concerns—before you hop into bed, McBride says. Of course, if she’s not into it, you have to respect that.

If she’s game, don’t take it as a blanket approval to go for it anytime you’re fooling around. Check in with her in the moment to see if she’s in the mood for anal.

2. Play in the shallow end 

The anus can be an uncomfortable place to be touched at first. To help her get used to it, start with light butt play before you try penetration, says McBride.

For example, one night you can try just putting a finger or a vibrator on the outside of her anus. (We recommend one of this rechargable vibrator from the Men’s Health store.) Another night, lube up a finger and gently insert it. Or experiment with butt plugs.

3. Lubricate, lubricate, lubricate

When you’re both ready to try the real thing, there are two things you need to know about the booty, says McBride.

One: It doesn’t self-lubricate.

Two: It’s very sensitive to tearing.

These two facts make it absolutely essential to use lube, and plenty of it.

This organic lubricant from the Men’s Health store is a great all-purpose choice.

4. Put her in the driver’s seat

Despite what you see in porn, thrusting too deeply, too quickly, or too vigorously will just hurt her.

Your best bet: Let her control the depth and speed of penetration, says McBride. You can let her climb on top for a dirty variation of the cowgirl position, do it missionary with her hands guiding your hips, or doggy style with her in charge of backing it up.


Guide · Perspective

Young Women Aren’t Using Condoms for Totally Bogus Reasons


PSA: Condoms are the only method of contraception that prevent pregnancy and STIs. So when we came across a new study in which none of the participants said they use rubbers regularly, that gave us cause for concern.

The study, published in the Journal of Sex Research, interviewed 25 sexually active women ages 18 to 24, and found that only two of the women said it was important to them to use condoms consistently. Plus, those two didn’t actually use them every time they got down.

The participants also revealed the reasons why they weren’t fans of wrapping it up, and a lot of their excuses aren’t valid. (Sorry to blow up your spot, ladies, but you need to hear this.)

Below, we bust the five misconceptions cited:

Misconception 1: Sex feels better without one. Easy solution: lube. It’ll relieve any dryness or friction during sex, and studies show women report higher levels of satisfaction when they use lube. It’s also possible you need to go beyond the standard condom with some pleasure-enhancing varieties—we’re talking thinner, ribbed, and even heat-activated.

Also, won’t you get off easier knowing that your shag won’t end in pregnancy or a scary rash?

Misconception 2: You can get a UTI from using a condom. There are two main causes of UTIs from sex: tearing and irritation from going too rough without enough lubrication (see above re: lube) or bacteria that hangs around after smushing. None of these are the poor little condom’s fault (as long as you’re properly lubricated), so keep strapping one on.

Misconception 3: Participants said they distrust condoms as a way to prevent pregnancy, which leads to stress during sex. At ease, ladies. Condoms are 98 percent effective when used as the only method of contraception, and the chance of one breaking during sex is less than two percent. Plus, they’re the only method that protects against STIs. In conclusion: They work.

Misconception 4: Participants justified not using condoms because they were in a long-term relationship or had been with the same partner multiple times. At the very least, you shouldn’t stop using one until you and your partner have been tested for STIs. And even if you’re both in the clear, condoms are most effective against pregnancy when used regularly and correctly. That brings us to our next misconception…

Misconception 5: The women said they only used them when they thought they were most likely to get knocked up. Period sex can be super-hot! But ditching the condom because you think you won’t get pregnant during a bloody bang is not a good idea. Even though your peak fertility occurs during ovulation (not during your period), you can still get pregnant if you have unprotected sex outside that ovulation window.

The bottom line: There’s no good excuse not to wrap it up, unless you’re in the market for a baby or a big fat STI.


Guide · Perspective · Sociology

8 Reasons to Rethink Teens & Sexting

smiling young girl takes a selfie

There is nothing necessarily new about sexting. Remember when you could just snap a Polaroid and hand it over? The chances of lots of people seeing the photo were low. Now, within seconds, thousands of people can see your sext (i.e. nude photo) depending on which app or website it gets uploaded to. Stats on the prevalence of sexting among teens range between 9%-60% (1, 2), so who really knows? But in order for us to address sexting in a realistic way with teens, we must first understand the sexual culture they live in that normalizes sexting.

1. Teens think everyone is sexting and it’s no big deal. Bottom line, if sexting is the norm in a teen’s social circle, they will likely sext (3). And teens who both send and receive sexts tend to be more popular than teens who don’t (4). Many of the girls I talk with think if you send a nude photo without your face in it, then there will be no negative outcome. Because sexting occurs so often without consequences like jail or complete social ostracization, when teens hear adults say that these consequences will occur, it makes adults lose credibility.

2. Boys and girls engage in sexting for different reasons. Girls feel pressure to send sexts and are more likely to do so than boys (5). Boys feel more pressure to collect sexts and are more likely to receive sexts and share them with friends or post them online than girls. This poses an issue because it sets up a type of marketplace, where the boys are the consumers and the girls are the products to be consumed. And yes, sometimes boys are senders, but hetero girls are often not into dick pics.

3. The sexual double standard is alive and well in sexting. We think nothing of a boy requesting a nude image or video, but when a girl participates, we think something is wrong with her. Instead of acknowledging that she too, is sexual. Today, girls are expected to refrain from sexual activity, but be extremely sexually attractive and go to extreme lengths to prove it (6). It is not enough to be pure, elegant and ladylike, you also need to be hot and sexually available to men without actually doing the deed. Yeah, not easily achieved.

4. Sexting can be a sign of self-objectification. In the context of a digital world where boys can objectify girls by watching pornography on their mobile phones in class, what is a girl to do? Well, some unconsciously decide “If I can’t beat ‘em, I can join ‘em.” Then they begin the process of self-objectification. Self-objectification is the act of treating yourself as an object instead of a subject. Meaning, you break down yourself into physical pieces to scrutinize instead of not worrying about your thighs because they are just as much ‘you’ as your sense of humor is. Now, there is nothing wrong with enjoying the feeling of ‘wantedness’ or sexual attractiveness, but the need for it can cross a line. Research shows that self-objectification is linked to decreased sexual esteem, sexual satisfaction, sexual safety, and increased disordered eating, depression and anxiety (7, 8, 9, 10).

5. We have a victim blaming culture, even when it comes to sexting. When I do educational seminars about sex and technology with parents and teachers, I overwhelmingly hear stories of “sexting scandals”. Usually followed by a, “Why would she send a nude photo of herself in the first place? Something must be wrong with her.” The reason girls sext and post sexy pictures of themselves online is because they do not have as much power to claim sexual entitlement in our culture as men do. They first have to gain approval from men that they are worthy of sex through men acknowledging that they are f**ckable and legitimately hot. So, what do we do? We blame them for playing the game that we do very little to change.

6. We need to redefine female sexual liberation. We have a culture that packages self-objectification as liberation (8, 10). 3rd-wave feminists are typically into self-objectification as “liberating”. However, I always tell college students in my seminars, if it is not making more orgasms happen, or sex more pleasurable or naturally occurring in some way, it’s probably not liberating. Therefore, it is important to ask teens, what does sexting do for your sex life? This new ‘liberating’ self-objectification is only the other end of the same spectrum of Victorian-Era chastity, perpetuating an unrealistic standard which women can never truly attain and can only come close to if they have specific physical characteristics. Bottom line, the act of girls and women sending naked pictures of themselves is still centering female sexual expression around men’s pleasure and approval. It’s difficult for girls to determine if they are actually expressing their sexuality by “being sexual” instead of just putting on a show for boys by “acting sexual” (11).

7. We need to support girls to foster their own talents and abilities in multiple areas of life, and encourage boys to support them too. You don’t want your teen to sext? Try telling them not to do it. That didn’t work you say? Shocking. It’s important for parents of boys to acknowledge the pressure girls feel to prove they are sexy and to encourage them to recognize girls’ interests, talents and knowledge above their looks whenever possible. For parents of girls, it’s important to focus on their abilities and not just their looks or dress from a young age. It’s not that it is bad for teen girls to express sexuality, it’s just that we don’t want their only dose of daily self-esteem boost to come from a sexy selfie because her sexual worth is her only worth.

8. We need to hold boys and men accountable for their actions, they are capable of not acting on sexual impulses. Parents and schools should be telling boys that asking girls for nude photos is sexual harassment, and that sexual harassment should have consequences under Title IX. Posting and forwarding nude photos or videos is known as revenge porn, and is becoming illegal in many states. This is where our focus should be. Think of how maniacal and vile it is to hurt someone so badly by utterly humiliating them and potentially running future possibilities by posting nude photos online. Compare this with the act of complying with a partner’s request to send a nude photo. Whose motivation is unhealthy? The person who sent the photo hoping for a sexual relationship or sexual intimacy? Or the person who posted or forwarded the photo for all to see?


(1)Mitchell, K. J., Jones, L., Finkelhor, D., & Wolak, J. (2014b). Youth involvement in sexting: Findings from the youth internet safety studies. Crimes Against Children Research Center, 1-11.

(2)Crimmins, D. M., & Seigfried-Spellar, K. C. (2014). Peer attachment, sexual experiences, and risky online behaviors as predictors of sexting behaviors among undergraduate students. Computers in Human Behavior, 32, 268-275.

(3)Walrave, M., Ponnet, K., Van Ouytsel, J., Van Gool, E., Heirman, W., & Verbeek, A. (2015). Whether or not to engage in sexting: Explaining adolescent sexting behaviour by applying the prototype willingness model. Telematics and Informatics, (April). doi:10.1016/j.tele.2015.03.008

(4)Vanden Abeele, M., Campbell, S. W., Eggermont, S., & Roe, K. (2014). Sexting, Mobile Porn Use, and Peer Group Dynamics: Boys’ and Girls’ Self-Perceived Popularity, Need for Popularity, and Perceived Peer Pressure. Media Psychology, 17(1), 6-33. doi:10.1080/15213269.2013.801725.

(5)Ringrose, J., Harvey, L., Gill, R., & Livingstone, S. (2013). Teen girls, sexual double standards and ‘sexting’: Gendered value in digital image exchange. Feminist Theory, 14, 305-323.

(6)Milhausen, R. R., & Herold, E. S. (1999). Does the sexual double standard still exist? Perceptions of university women. Journal of Sex Research, 36, 361-368.

(7)Calogero, R. M., & Thompson, J. K. (2009). Sexual self-esteem in American and British college women: Relations with self-objectification and eating problems. Sex Roles, 60, 160-173.

(8)Grabe, S., & Hyde, J. S. (2009). Body objectification, MTV, and psychological outcomes among female Adolescents1. Journal of Applied Social Psychology, 39, 2840-2858.

(9)Schick, V. R., Calabrese, S. K., Rima, B. N., & Zucker, A. N. (2010). Genital appearance dissatisfaction: Implications for women’s genital image self-consciousness, sexual esteem, sexual satisfaction, and sexual risk. Psychology of Women Quarterly, 34, 394-404.

(10) Muehlenkamp, J. J., & Saris-Baglama, R. N. (2002). Self-objectification and its psychological outcomes for college women. Psychology of Women Quarterly, 26(4), 371-379.

(11) Tolman, D. L. (2005). Dilemmas of desire: Teenage girls talk about sexuality. Harvard: University Press.

Origin :

Guide · Perspective

Best Sex Ever: 5 Little-Known Ways To Have A Better Sex Life, Backed By Science

Try these scientifically-proven ways — from sending romantic and sexy text messages and e-mails to buying purple furniture — to instantly have a more satisfying sex life. Photo courtesy of Shutterstock

When it comes to sex, it’s rare to stumble upon someone who doesn’t want to boost their sex life, including those who consider themselves to be a “Don Jon” in the bedroom. While new romances tend to spur some hot, and fiery intense moments of passionate lovemaking, this fire can quickly start to go out over time as sexy lingerie, and sex toys have collected dust in the drawer. Some couples are under the false pretense that because they’ve been in a relationship for years, they have to settle for less than satisfying, mediocre sex. Whether you’re looking to rekindle a flame between you and your partner, or just want to polish up your sex skills, it’s time to let your inhibitions run loose with these best-kept secrets to having the best sex ever.

1. Leave something to the imagination

While busy work schedules can keep us away from our partner for a minimum of eight hours a day, it’s important to keep the fire alive even while being physically apart. “They can send romantic and sexy text messages, and e-mails to each other during the day,” said Dr. Fran Walfish, psychotherapist in Beverly Hills, Calif., and author of The Self-Aware Parent to Medical Daily. These messages serve as friendly reminders of how much you’re sexually attracted to them, and how you appreciate their physical and internal beauty.

A simple “I love you” is effective, but a real moment of eye contact and mutual appreciation, can make a difference between a bored “love you,” and an enticing “love you.” Couples can even try to engage in early morning sex to get their morning started on the right foot. This can encourage partners  send messages to each other about their risqué morning quicky. A study conducted at the Sydney IVF Clinic in Australia found frequent morning sex can improve sperm quality, and even improve fertility in a woman.

2. Spend at least one day a month away from your partner

Couples who have separate lives, or do things independently have the opportunity to miss each other, and actually appreciate the time they spend together after a brief, or short time away from each other. A 2013study found a night away from your partner can improve the amount of sex in a relationship, as partners tend to convey more energy, and less feelings of stress about problems at home. Walfish believes no one is attracted to a dependent personality, and when individuals begin to develop, and nurture their own areas of interest, they appear more attractive and appealing partners.

3. Talk in the bedroom

Couples should communicate their sexual needs and wants to each other in the bedroom. “I find one the weakest links in the bedroom, particularly for women, is not vocalizing what feels good to them,” Walfish said. She believes men are better than women when it comes to asking for their bedroom needs and wants to be fulfilled. This is due to a generation and cultural thing as women were previously taught to be the homemakers, cook, and clean, and do their duty in the bedroom, while men brought the pay check home.

Walfish suggests men need to become more comfortable at requesting specific things they want, such as the frequency, the speed, and the type of sex they want and need. The statistics for men cheating in a relationship are much higher, and in order to cut that number down she says, men should get more comfortable asking what they need from their partners, and wives, which may help preserve fidelity. Sexual desire tends to be one of the most common contributing factors as to why people cheat.

Therefore, men and women, speak up about what you want in the bedroom to have more satisfying sex. A 2012 study found those who talked about sex while participating in the act, were even more sexually satisfied than their non-verbal counterparts. For those coy about verbalizing sexual desires, start with non-verbal cues to give your partner clues to your deepest and darkest desires.

4. Try something new together

Couples who have fallen in a rut, or into a predictable routine need to shake things up in, and out the bedroom. Lesli Doares, a marriage and family therapist in Raleigh and Cary, N.C., advises couples to go on vacation, and spend lots of time together outside of the bedroom. This will translate to more fun when they get back to the bedroom. “[C]hange up time of day, positions, role play, or whatever feels good, Doares told Medical Daily. “Developing a sense of humor about sex and intimacy can go a long way to improving it.”

Research shows a small, and simple change can even yield higher rewards in the bedroom. Although counterintuitive from the previous piece of advice, Walfish told Medical Daily, when it comes to getting out of a rut, “use your fantasies and shut your mouth.” “Do not share your fantasies with your partner.” This can stimulate rivalry, and jealously. She added, “’if you want to screw the NFL, halleluiah and cheers, but don’t tell your husband!” When it comes to sex, put all your worries in a box, lock the box, and leave it outside the bedroom. “Free yourselves to enjoy the moment,” Walfish said.

5. Decorate your bedroom purple

Whether purple is your favorite color or not, it can do wonders for your sex life. A study done by retailer found those who had purple décor, had approximately four intimate encounters a week. Red bedrooms came in second with about three intimate encounters a week. Go ahead and buy some purple bedding, or furniture to have a more active sex life.

Take these bedroom tips into consider to boost your sex life. “It is important to make any corrections outside of the bedroom at a time when you are both feeling positive about the relationship,” Doares said. Sex is very personal, and it can become easy to get hurt and defensive about it.

Origin :             

Experience · Guide · Perspective · Psychology

10 Complaints Sex Therapists Hear All The Time

What do couples talk about when they sit down with sex therapists?

We asked seven sex therapists and psychologists from around the country to share the problems people in relationships bring up most frequently in their offices. See what they had to say below.

“Women who come into my office often tell me they wish they could climax the ‘real’ way — through intercourse. The clitoris, however, not the vagina is the center of her sexual and pleasure nerve endings. In fact, only about 15-20 percent of all women can climax during sexual intercourse and even then she needs lots of vibration, manual or oral stimulation to get her close. For those who still want to try likely positions, I recommend two with good G-spot-penile contact: Either woman-on-top at a 45 degree angle, or woman-lying-on-her-back on a relatively firm surface with her hips rocked up (for instance, with her knees hooked around his elbows).” — Laurie Watson, LMFT, certified sex therapist 

“The most commonly reported problem I hear about is what sex therapists call ‘desire discrepancy’: One partner wants sex more often than the other and in a more erotic way. In the beginning of a relationship, the higher desire partner probably kept the erotic energy going in the marriage and it was fun and sexy. After a while, if you’re the lower sex-drive partner, it can feel annoying and even manipulative to have a partner who is constantly looking for sex when you aren’t into it.  Sometimes it’s just because the sex isn’t that great; working on discovering the kind of sex both partners want can improve the performance and eroticism of their sex life. Or it could be that there’s tension and frustration in the relationship and it’s leaking over into the erotic part of the relationship. If that’s the case, it’s a hard climb over that kind of resentment in bed. But talking about what’s bothering you can actually bring you closer and make you more inclined to want to make love.”  — Tammy Nelson, certified sexologist and sex therapist and the authorofGetting the Sex You Want

“When a man is in a relationship, the most common performance problems are premature ejaculation (PE) and erectile dysfunction (ED). In both instances,​ ​the men end up with ​strong​ performance anxiety which can cause them to avoid sex and intimacy. Women whose partners are dealing with ED may feel insecure that their partners are no longer attracted to or desirous of them.  To move beyond performance anxiety, men need to focus on their own bodies and pleasure and worry a little less about their partners. Learning to focus on pleasure, relaxing your body and your breath and letting yourself enjoy the experience help tremendously. If you’re his partner, it’s essential not to take it personally and to be gentle with him. Supportive partners who do not require that their partners function perfectly all the time have the best chance of resolving these issues. “ —​ ​Danielle Harel, Ph.D and Celeste Hirschman M.A


“People frequently tell me they want more variety in the bedroom. As time goes on, partners may express more desire for novelty or feel more comfortable letting their partner know they have certain activities they want to explore. While one partner might enjoy getting a few slaps on the behind or experimenting with anal play, the other may not want to try. It’s a sex therapist’s responsibility to assess for openness to change and underlying tensions that the couple may not be discussing initially.” — Sari Eckler Cooper, LCSW

“Couples seek sex therapy soon after having babies, sometimes because the woman feels too loose and says she can’t feel him inside her. I usually ask the woman if she has ever done Kegel exercises and I recommend she do twenty reps three times a day. If she wants quicker results, there are medical devices such as the Apex which inflates to fit and does your Kegel exercises for you through gentle electric stimulation. I also remind them that there is more to satisfying sex than just intercourse, such as mutual masturbation, oral sex and incorporating sex toys into their sexual pleasure.” — Ava Cadell, certified sex therapist 

“I frequently see couples where the man is confused about why he doesn’t want to have sex and the woman is the frustrated one. Without a clear answer, I end up asking a ton of questions trying to decipher why. If it’s because he feels too dependent or too close to his partner, distancing is the goal.  Most commonly, men complain to me about not getting the loving contact they want. He may feel she goes through the motions, treats sex like a chore, or just lies there when he wants more love, contact, emotion and presence. Women sometimes make the mistake of thinking their partners are just trying to satisfy a biological need and treat sex in a perfunctory manner, to ‘please’ the guy. But this shuts men down; they want more passion than that. I remind couples that passion requires engagement, expression, eye contact and trying to really feel. It’s more than touch.” — Brandy Engler, Ph.D and author of The Women on My Couch 

“Many women tell us that they either have never felt much desire or their desire has dropped considerably over the course of their life or relationship. There can be many underlying reasons why women are experiencing low desire. They might have had a lot of negative learning in their lives telling them that they were not supposed to want sex, they might not have been able to express their main fantasies or changing sexual desires to their partner or they might be feeling emotionally disconnected. This problem can often lead to sexless marriages or relationships. In the case of low desire, women need to get back in touch with their bodies and learn to ask for what they want. It can take time to address and requires patience, understanding and a willingness to learn on the part of their partner.” —​ ​Danielle Harel and Celeste Hirschman 

“I get a large number of men who call me from all over the country who tell me they struggle to ‘feel’ — meaning, they don’t love deeply or have sex with passion and they want that to change. I think its notable that most of these guys are in their late 20s or 30s. They’re past the stage of hooking up and they want to love their partner. I think they’re trying to integrate sex and love after years of separating the two. Men aren’t usually socialized to be emotionally expressive, unfortunately, but when a woman can be instrumental in opening that up in him, it’s truly powerful.” — Brandy Engler

“Couples often need help when one of them gets sick. For instance, a cancer patient might feel too broken or undesirable for sex, while their partner feels helpless. I encourage them to do different kinds of touching such as cuddling, massaging with feather light strokes, kissing and even just holding hands regularly. Bathing together can also be a healing experience that helps reduce strain on joints, relax muscles and increase blood flow. For something more sexual, if the person is sick feels self-conscious or insecure, I recommend he or she blindfold their partner and make love to them so they feel less self-conscious.” — Ava Cadell 

“Oftentimes a low sex or no sex marriage happens when a couple finds themselves in a rut of distraction or avoidance. They are distracted by work, by young kids or the business of everyday life. Whoever was the traditional initiator of sex stops initiating. The non-initiating partner waits, hoping things will get back to ‘normal.’  To get out of a low sex or no sex rut, talk to your partner. Throw out some ideas that you are wondering’ about — for instance, ‘I am wondering if we are both so tired at night that we should try for morning sex?’ Keeping your statements vague and phrasing them as ‘wonderings’ takes the pressure off and makes whatever sexual issue you’re avoiding easier to talk about. The truth is, it’s not your fault or theirs. Your sex life belongs to both of you.” — Tammy Nelson



What I Wish More Women Understood About The Clitoris

Mother Nature has been most generous in bestowing females with the clitoris. Penises, of course, provide a lot of pleasure for men, but they are multipurpose — for urinating and ejaculating sperm. The clitoris is the only organ of the body created exclusively for pleasure!

Often, heterosexual sex involves vaginal penetration until the man has an orgasm. According to research, however, only 20% of women climax from penetrative intercourse; this leaves 80% of women to figure out how to get stimulated during sex in order to get satisfied.

In this article, I will be focusing on heterosexual women (and heterosexual sex), as I’ve found in my research and reading that this is where most women struggle with sexual dissatisfaction. By no means am I trying to discount other sexualities and ways of identifying.

Getting to know your clitoris and its power is a great place to start. Here’s how to meet and greet your clit and share your “findings” with your partner:

1. Begin by getting curious and exploring your clit. (And stop faking orgasms!)

Karen wasn’t really sure where her clitoris was and never had an orgasm during sex with her boyfriend. Her boyfriend consistently complained she was taking too long to come, so Karen frequently wound up faking her climaxes as a result. Karen was really in a bind, as she wasn’t fulfilled sexually but was also not feeling supported in her relationship.

So what did Karen do? First, she broke up with her boyfriend. Then, she began a practice of trying to become more aware of what pleased her sexually. She wouldn’t just masturbate passively, but she actively explored what aroused her when she stimulated herself. This exploration opened the way for a more satisfying relationship in the future where she finally found true gratification.

Memo to all women: don’t fake orgasms It leaves you out in the cold and always backfires. Learn what you like through self-touch and be your own best teacher. Then you can pass it on to your partner.

2. Know that you deserve to come, and that there’s no “right answer.”

For years and years, women have been sold the notion by pop culture that “real women” achieve orgasms exclusively through intercourse. Movies, TV shows and porn films will show a woman writhing in an explosive orgasm after a few mere thrusts from a man.

Although some women can learn to come through intercourse (more later), anymanner or method that provides arousal is valid and wonderful. For many women, the clitoris is their go-to spot for pleasure. Realizing and accepting that Mother Nature provided you with a clitoris for your enjoyment will hopefully help you accept the gift of gratification without shame.

3. Communicate what your needs and desires are.

Straight women often refer to a given man as a “bad lover,” when they usually mean to communicate “he never heard of a clitoris and certainly didn’t pay any attention to mine.”

Straight men, in fact, usually fall into two categories: (1) those who don’t care about your needs and (2) those who simply don’t know how women work. Get rid of man #1 if he is only selfishly interested in his own satisfaction. But it’s up to you to communicate to man #2 what you like and where/how you like it.

Yes, it can be awkward to be honest about your sexual preferences. But work it out! You deserve the satisfaction.

4. Own that your needs and desires may change, and be open to the process.

Learning what your needs and desires are is the key to everything, but even more so when it comes to the body and especially sex. We all have a right to become happier and more at home in our bodies and more expressive about our needs … in all areas of life.

Every woman’s quest for sexual satisfaction in particular is unique as a fingerprint.

Women generally like to engage their clitoris by either lying on their back or on their stomach. Some like both. Some may have their own method of achieving an orgasm. But in my research, here are the positions that seem to guarantee maximum clitoral stimulation while with your partner:

  • On your back, your partner can stimulate your clitoris with his hand, mouth, or a vibrator and make you come before intercourse. Or, during intercourse, you can stimulate yourself with your hand or a vibrator. Many women find touching the clitoris directly is too sensitive and like it better when they stimulate the clitoris higher up on the shaft.
  • Or on your stomach, you can rock your clitoris against your partner’s body until you come. Laura, one creative young woman, found that she liked to rub against her boyfriend’s knee until she orgasmed while giving him oral sex at the same time. A win/win proposition!

You can also explore your G-spot, sometimes called the “internal clitoris” and try to engage that spot during intercourse or with your partner’s fingers. To discover your G-spot, sit on the toilet and insert your middle finger with the pad of your finger facing toward the front. Press your finger forward, massage the area, tap it, rub your finger up and down and see where you receive the best stimulation.

So many ways to come! So little time! Let’s get going!


Guide · Perspective · Psychology

9 Secrets Every Sex Therapist Knows (And You Should, Too)

You’ve lost that loving feeling. Or you want to try something new in the bedroom (like one of these sex positions) but just don’t know how to bring it up. Or you wish you and your partner had more sex, less sex, or better sex. Most people face one or more of these issues at some point, but figuring out how to cope isn’t always easy.

Most of these common problems boil down to one thing: poor communication. “There’s a lot of research showing that couples who have better communication have better sex lives,” says Rachel Sussman, a psychotherapist who specializes in sex and relationships. “They’re not afraid to talk about sex, and they’re not afraid to ask for what they want.”

Of course, not everyone is equally comfortable chatting about intimate matters, whether or not a therapist is in the mix. So we asked Sussman and two other sexperts to spill their best advice. Read on for insider tricks and tips and start amping up your sex life tonight. (Want to balance out your hormones and lose weight? Then check out The Hormone Reset Dietto start feeling and looking better today!)

Give it the old college try.

Not in the mood, but your partner is? Don’t be so quick to shut down any advances. Most women don’t experience spontaneous desire; they need a little help getting there, says Michael Aaron, PhD, a licensed psychotherapist, sexologist, and sex therapist. He explains that many women need to be touched, kissed, and caressed before sexual desire kicks in. So consider saying yes to sex—or at least foreplay—even if you’re not currently raring to go.

That said, you should never feel obligated to finish what you started. “You don’t know in the moment how it’s going to feel,” says sex and relationship therapist Megan Fleming, PhD, a clinical instructor of psychology in psychiatry at Weill Cornell Medical College. It’s never too late to say, “Sorry, not tonight.”

Do your homework.

sex homework
Sex doesn’t just “happen,” especially if you and your partner are in the midst of an especially long dry spell. About 15% of all relationships are considered sexless, meaning the partners haven’t had sex in 6 months, according to Aaron. His advice? Make intimacy a priority and sex will follow.

If you’re not currently having sex but are still being romantic—going on dates, holding hands, kissing—then it might be as simple as carving out some special time to be alone together. But if you and your partner have essentially become roommates, you’re going to have to work a little harder to bring back sensuality, says Aaron. Plan date nights, start holding hands again, and give each other a kiss good-bye every morning and the romantic (and sexy) feelings might return. (Here are 10 ways to feel like having sex again.)

Put sex on the menu.

We don’t just mean scheduling a regular romp, although multiple sex therapists say that’s a good way to keep your sex life alive. But if your goal isn’t just to have sex but to make it more interesting, Aaron suggests making up a list (menu) of everything you want to try and everything that’s completely off-limits, then asking your partner to do the same. You might learn that you’ve both been fantasizing about adding sex toys to the mix or trying anal sex. (Here is everything you need to know about anal sex.)

Get a sexy brain.

Your libido is like an engine, says Fleming. You need to find ways to turn yourself on, warm up, and get ready to go. But Fleming says she often sees clients who have no idea what gets them going or what turns them off. How to sort it out? She suggests reading erotic fiction, listening to erotic podcasts, or simply allowing yourself time to fantasize. “Think about the last really enjoyable, hot, fun, connected, juicy experience you had with your partner,” she says. “Use all five senses, take it in, and let it be something you can come back to time and time again.”

Bring in a friend.

talk about sex with friends
No, not into the bedroom (unless that’s what everyone really wants, in which case, go for it!). But talking about sex with your friends—or just one trusted friend—can help demystify it. Discussing how much sex you’re having, how much you wish you were having, or how satisfied you are with your sex life could be a little like therapy. A good friend might even be able to help you work out whatever issue is getting in the way of the sex life you crave, Sussman says. Not sure how to get the conversation going? Fleming suggests mentioning an article you’ve read in a magazine or on a website (maybe the story you’re reading right now?). Try: “I read in Prevention…” and see where it takes you.

Take care of yourself first.

take care of yourself
We’re not talking about masturbation—although getting a little frisky with yourself certainly isn’t a bad thing. It’s just as important (maybe more so) to get ample sleep, regular exercise, and generally keep stress in check (spa day?). “So many women feel depleted, and then sex starts to feel like work,” says Fleming. Try pampering yourself and you might find you’re feeling more sexy, fun, and playful. (What better way to pamer yourself than with this luxurious coconut body oil from Rodale’s? Ahh.)

Ask for compliments.

If you and your partner have been together for eons, chances are things have slowed down. Forget staying up all night to get down and dirty; you’re more apt to watch a little bit of Netflix and drift off by 10 p.m. But it’s not just sex that has gotten lost over the years. Chances are the unexpected gifts and compliments have dropped off, too. Getting back to a place where you feel loved and sexy is absolutely essential, Sussman says. “If you can say to your husband or partner, ‘Flirt with me, make me feel attractive,’ well, that’s probably just as good as taking any medication.” (Here’s how to have better sex at every decade.)

Love yourself.

What’s the No. 1 turn-on for men? If you said “boobs” or “butts,” you’d be wrong. The thing that gets most guys going isn’t a body part, says Sussman. It’s confidence. “If you feel good about how you look, if you like to make love with the lights on, that’s an aphrodisiac for everyone,” she says. Meanwhile, being uncomfortable with your body—whether you think you need to lose a few pounds or that your boobs are too droopy—can easily douse the fires in the bedroom. (We’re not going to pretend it’s easy to build up body confidence overnight, so here’s a go-to guide on how to get started.)

Be a detective.

What’s really at the root of your sex issues? Figure that out and you just might solve your problem, says Sussman. Some patients have trouble initiating sex, talking about fantasies, or admitting they’d like to have sex more often because they grew up believing women aren’t supposed to be interested in sex or because a past partner put them down. (If dryness is holding you back, give this all-natural lube from Rodale’s a go.) Other times sex problems aren’t really about sex at all, says Sussman. If you don’t trust each other or aren’t getting along outside the bedroom, you’ll need to work through that before you can expect the sensual side of your relationship to blossom.



The Best Things to Say before, during, and after Sex

The right words can turn her on, boost her confidence, and keep her coming back for more

It doesn’t matter if you’re having a romantic dinner for two or getting busy between the sheets—regardless of the situation, women love to talk to you.

That’s because for women, verbal communication is key to emotional intimacy, says relationship psychologist Terri Orbuch, Ph.D., a research scientist at the University of Michigan’s Institute for Social Research and author of Finding Love Again.

And intimacy is, in turn, a common prerequisite for getting it on. “In general, men tend to get an emotional connection through sex, but women need to get an emotional connection to want sex,” Orbuch says.

Adds Ian Kerner, Ph.D., author of She Comes First, “Words can be a powerful aphrodisiac and often aren’t used enough.”

What you tell your bed buddy has the power to crank up her arousal, confidence, and make sex even more amazing for the both of you. But before we get into specifics, here are a couple general pointers:

1. Be genuine: You’ve got to mean what you say—and not just because that’s the gentlemanly thing to do. Your body language always tells the truth, and if it isn’t in-sync with your words, she’s going to call your bluff, says Orbuch.

Since women are superior to men at picking up on these things—although you can Read Her Body Language—your chances of successfully faking sincerity are grim, she says.

2. Be specific: It makes you sound more thoughtful, and shows her you’ve noticed something special in her, Orbuch says. It’s the difference between “You look beautiful” and “Your eyes are beautiful.”

3. Get to the point: You don’t have to be a chatterbox to talk your partner off, says Rachel Needle, Psy.D., a psychologist with the Center for Marital and Sexual Health of South Florida. Keep things short and sweet. No rambling.

Now that we got that out of the way, here are some one-liners you should spout off during your next romp:


“Your hair looks great that way.” 

While any physical compliment can make her feel attractive, focusing on something you know she’s put a lot of effort into tells her you’re paying attention and that you appreciate her efforts, says sex therapist Eric Marlowe Garrison, author of Mastering Multiple Position Sex.

“I love how passionately you kiss.” 

It’s important for women to know you like kissing them—and not just, you knoq, boinking—says Garrison. When you compliment her kisses, focus exactly what you like about them, he says. Just steer clear of “you’re a good kisser”: It can unwittingly make her think of the other lips you’ve encountered.

“I feel so good when I’m with you.” 

You don’t have to talk dirty to turn her on,” says Ava Cadell, Ph.D., a Los Angeles-based sexologist. “Letting her know that she makes a difference in your life makes her feel significant, special, and sensual,” she says. “This is an intimate form of expression that women long for and when they get it, they want to reciprocate with more sex.”

“I can’t wait to be inside you.” 

While you probably shouldn’t whip this one out on the third date, it’s great for foreplay—in person or via text—between established partners. “These words are more detailed than they let off. They convey that you’re fantasizing about the sensations, the heat, the moisture . . . exactly what it feels like inside of her,” Needle says.

(Want more foreplay phrases? Here are 10 Things to Say to Get Her Naked . . . Right Now.)


“I love your…” 

“She wants to know you’re with her and not off in some fantasy of having sex with that hot yoga instructor at the gym,” says Paul Hokemeyer, Ph.D., a Manhattan-based marriage therapist.

So give your favorite part of her body major props. When talking about that part—be it her breasts, stomach, or butt—gently caress and look at it, Kerner recommends. It will make her swoon.

“I love the way you taste.” 

Just like how you worry about your own endowment, she’s concerned about what you’ll think of her private parts, says Cadell. So when you go down on her using these 5 Awesome Oral Sex Moves, feed her vagina some compliments.

Spouting off “I” statements (instead of “you” phrases, like “you taste great”), makes the compliment about not just her, but how you feel about her, Garrison says.


Moan it up. As much as you like to make her scream, she likes to hear you get into it, too, Garrison says.

“You look so hot in that position.” 

During sex, women can spend a lot of time “spectatoring,” focusing on the activities from a bird’s-eye view, Needle says. So she’s probably already considered how she must look with her legs like that.

Letting her know you love the view can help assuage her fears. “The more comfortable she feels in her own skin and the more attractive she feels, the hotter the sex is going to be,” Kerner says.



Short and simple, this one is perfect for when you’ve just collapsed on her and your brain’s a blur, Needle says.

“Thank you.” 

It works when she gets you any other kind of gift, right? “Sex is the most precious gift a woman can give a man, so say thank you,” advises Cadell. Show some appreciation, and that you don’t just consider sex a given.

“I could just lie here with you forever.”


Yeah, it sounds like a lyric from that cheesy Aerosmith song. But in response to orgasm, her body pumps out the powerful bonding chemical oxytocin (appropriately nicknamed the “cuddle hormone”), which means she’s craving intimacy, trust, and safety, Kerner says.

“Let her know you relish your connection and are in no hurry to get on with your life,” Hokemeyer says.

“I loved it when you…” 


This line isn’t just a compliment—it lets her know what you like, and what she should do again, says Garrison. And you can keep praising her skills hours or even days after having sex.

Who knows? It might even inspire another spur-of-the-moment sack session. In that case, be ready with these 45 Sex Positions Every Couple Should Try.



How to Give Her a 60-Second Orgasm

Try these six easy steps to prolong her pleasure

The only thing better than an orgasm is one that lasts for a full minute.

Yes, the 60-second climax really exists, according to Emily Nagoski, Ph.D., author of Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life.

It’s not typical—the female orgasm usually lasts 6 to 30 seconds, Nagoski says. But if her mood and your moves are right, her climax can keep going. Prolong her pleasure with six easy strategies. (And let’s not forget about the guy. Here are 8 Ways to Make YOUR Orgasm Better!)

For more ideas on how to have hotter sex than you ever imagined, check outThe Better Man Project, the brand-new book from the Editor-in-Chief of Men’s Health. You’ll find more than 2,000 simple, effective tips on seduction, relationships, health, and fitness that will improve every aspect of your life!


The key to any female orgasm is for her to be relaxed and focused solely on pleasure, says Nagoski. The more tuned in she is, the better her chances of having a long, intense climax.

So start by setting the mood. If she’s keyed up after a stressful day, give her a back massage to ease her into a more laid-back state. Turn off your cell phones, lock your doors, hit the lights, and put on the slow jams: Music and candlelight will help calm her central nervous system, says licensed marriage and sex therapist Kat Van Kirk, Ph.D.


If she feels self-conscious, it will sap her sex drive faster than one of the 5 Worst Sex Positions. Insecurity distracts her and inhibits her pleasure, says Nagoski. But if she feels smoking hot, she’ll be more aroused and focused on the awesome sensations of sex. And that can help her experience deeper orgasms.

So show her how much she turns you on: Pull her toward you eagerly, tell her how amazing you think her backside is, and linger as you kiss and caress her body. Don’t underestimate the power of a well-timed “wow” as she strips.


Dirty talk can help keep her attention focused on the erotic sensations, Nagoski says. If you already know what kind of naughty language turns her on, have at it.

Otherwise, start by telling her how wet, warm, and incredible she feels against you. Try taking control and commanding her to turn over when changing positions—some women find that hot. If calling her a “bad girl” is her thing, go for it. If not, don’t force it.

Need some hot pointers? Check out How to Talk Dirty to learn the best things to say before, during, and after sex.


Bringing her to the brink of orgasm repeatedly will cause her arousal to spread throughout her body—resulting in a bigger, longer climax when she finally peaks, says Nagoski.

If you know she loves oral sex, start to go down on her slowly and gently. Pay close attention to her response. As she gets closer to orgasm, she will begin panting faster and you may be able to feel growing tension in her abs, thighs, and butt.

When you notice those signs, dial your speed and pressure back. Her breathing should slow. Then coax her back up to the brink, and slow it down again. Oscillate back and forth five times if you can, bringing her closer to the peak each time. Then let her have her big finish.


Working multiple sex acts into one session can help prolong her orgasm because the variation creates more tension and arousal, says Van Kirk. Start with oral sex or use a vibrator to stimulate all her erogenous zones: her nipples, clitoris, vagina, G-spot, and even her anus if she’s into it. Then, when you’re both ready for penetration, have her grind on top of you so she can control the pressure. Bonus: Use your thumb or fingers to rub her clitoris as she rides you. (And let’s not forget about the guy. Here are 8 Ways to Make YOUR Orgasm Better!)


When some women are on the brink of orgasm, their clitorises become very sensitive. (Discover more Things You Didn’t Know about Her Vagina.) If that’s the case, stimulating her more gently may help her maintain her climax for longer, says Van Kirk.

First, find out if she wants you to ease up. Lean into her ear and softly ask her if she likes it gentle or hard. If she prefers a lighter touch, just ease up on the pressure. Another option: Try moving your finger, tongue, or vibrator to the 1-o’clock spot, just outside and above her clitoris. She will either love the delicate, indirect touch or redirect you back to where she wants it. Follow her lead.


How To Masturbate for Women

Because you set the agenda and control the action by yourself, on your own terms, masturbation may be the best way to learn what turns you on. Most people raised as girls are set up to not enjoy sex in one way or another. They aren’t told very much about their bodies in detail (at least not about their genitals), they may be told that sex is something to be afraid of, something to resist. All of us are raised with at least some negative messages about our bodies and some shame about sex.

While this title of this guide is masturbation for women, the truth is that not all women’s bodies are the same. Most women have a vulva and a clitoris, but not all women do. So while the title of this guide is masturbation for women, what follows might be better described as a guide to clitorial and vulval masturbation. If this isn’t what you’re looking for, we also have a masturbation guide for penises. There’s also a guide to masturbation for everyone.

Remember, there’s no wrong way to masturbate; everyone is different! Below you’ll find some tips, take what works, and leave the rest. Figuring out the difference is part of figuring out what great sex is for you.

Here’s How:

Get yourself in the mood for masturbation.

Relax as much as you can. Whatever that means for you. Take a warm bath or have a glass of wine. Ensure your privacy: turn off the phone, lock the door for privacy from roommates, kids, whoever. Find a comfy position. Most women start out lying on their backs, legs bent and spread apart, with feet on the ground. Remove most or all of your clothing (as much as your comfortable with).

Explore all parts of your body.

Run your hands along your body, lingering along areas that are more responsive to touch than others. If you’re able to do it, and you’ve never done it before, you might want to try to look at your genitals in a mirror. Because so many women are raised with negative messages about their bodies, and particularly their genitals, being able to see while you touch can be powerful and surprising. Find and touch your inner and oute rlabia, your clitoris, your vagina and your perineum.

Touch yourself.

Using one or two fingers, rhythmically stroke the different parts of your vulva, paying particular attention to your clitoris and labia. Experiment with different types of pressure, speed and motion. Try placing a finger on either side of the clitoris and stroking up and down, or placing two fingers on the clitoral hood and rubbing in a circular motion.


Try different types of touch: stroke, tickle, knead, pinch, or lightly pull your genitals. Try using one or several fingers, the palm of your hand, even your knuckles.

Build up excitement.

Learn to hold onto sexual excitement by building up and then reducing or temporarily stopping the stimulation. Pay attention to how your body is responding. It will tell you the particular stroke that feels best and when to pick up or slow down the tempo.

Don’t forget to breathe, differently.

Many of us hold our breath as we get excited. Be mindful of your breath and playing with breathing during arousal. Try to breathe deeply rather than hold your breath. This can help release the sexual energy, rather than fight it.

Get moving, even a little.

In addition to often holding our breath, many people tense up and don’t move much at all when we masturbate. This might work for you just fine, but if you haven’t explored movement, it’s worth a try. Moving while you are getting turned on, and moving during orgasm can change the way you experience pleasure in your body. For some women this means rocking their pelvis. For others it means moving their legs or torso side to side. Find what movement works for you and then intentionally start doing it while you masturbate.

Getting over the top.

If your hand gets tired, give yourself a rest, switch hands, or try a vibrator. If you’re on the brink of orgasm, but can’t quite get over the hump, try to become more conscious of your breathing, give yourself extra stimulation: caress your nipples, or try also thrusting your other fingers or a dildo in and out of your vagina.

Ride the Wave.

As you begin to orgasm, continue the stimulation through the orgasm. Lighten up on the stimulation during the first extremely sensitive moments but keep it going to enjoy those little pleasurable aftershocks. Your first orgasm may feel like a blip or a blast, but the more you practice, the more variety you will experience.

Fantasizing and masturbation.

Sexual fantasy can be a double edged sword when it comes to masturbation. If you have trouble getting yourself in the mood or getting over the top, a hot fantasy may be just the ticket. But when we fantasize some of our attention is taken away from what’s happening in our bodies in the moment. Sometimes what is getting in the way of usenjoying masturbation is that distance from our bodies. It’s good to try everything, but be mindful of whether or not your fantasies are acting as an enhancer or a distraction.


Vibrators take some of the manual labor out of masturbation by providing direct, intense physical stimulation to the clitoris.

Water helps many women learn to masturbate. In a bath or shower, a direct the stream of water on your vulva and clitoris can be revelatory. Vary the pressure, the pulsation, and the temperature. Alternate methods: slide your butt over the drain so your legs are up in the air and your genitals are up under the tub faucet (rather awkward but do-able for some), or use Jacuzzi jets.

Rub against something–a pillow, the corner of some furniture, a washing machine in operation.

Dildos can be a pleasurable accompaniment to clitoral masturbation, as they offer the fullness of penetration and can also stimulate the g-spot.